Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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