Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
