dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
