ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
