Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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