I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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