Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
barbara walters just said penis...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Boobs are out for the taking
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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