cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
