its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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