It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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