I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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