Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
