At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
