listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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