I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am mentally ready for anal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
