my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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