I just pynch a tree in the face
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
