I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
there is glitter all over my balls
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