Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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