you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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