and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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