Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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