I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
