Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
