my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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