but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
