Screwed.edu
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
