There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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