ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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