How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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