im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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