So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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