At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
