Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
