Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
