I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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