Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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