I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
