I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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