remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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