well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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