i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
