I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
