She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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