No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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