You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
