I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
