i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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