he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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