Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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